Dear Charlie,

Ever since I was bitten by some kind of wild animal on a hunting trip, some strange things are happening to me. I get REALLY bad headaches on the night of the full moon, then can’t remember a thing the next day. I’ve also become obsessed with peeing on things. Help!

Those Are Sideburns, Not Fur

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Dear Sideburns,

Peeing on things is a practice as old as mango chutney. Those who conquered a town, village or island would frequently blaze their urine over the possessions of their defeated subjects, as a display of dominance. Keep it up!

When experiencing odd effects from an animal bite, it is wise to record yourself sleeping, for at least a month-and-a-half. Hopefully you’ll see a pattern in your behavior and can then correct or nurture said behavior. General Robert E. Lee was bitten by a feral spider monkey while visiting a prostitute which — as legend tells — endowed him with a noble mustache and the ability to breathe under water. Maybe you can breathe under water too? Give it a go the next time you are bathing.

For headaches, I strongly recommend a quart of potato vodka mixed with three baby aspirin and a sprig of rhubarb. This won’t cure the headaches permanently, but it will help you sleep through the transformation. When you next get arrested, remember to keep quiet — they are just gonna add it to your criminal resume. Stay alert, don’t lose focus. Bless the beasts and the children.

Yours In Crux,

Charlie