Mama Mia, Continued...

In Inferno, Mater Tenebrarum, Mother of Darkness, is the nurse of a rich, elderly invalid who turns out to be Varelli, the Old World gent who built the houses of the Three Mothers. It's rather clever that this cunning witch moves through the world as the servant of a man who is actually her slave. She can project herself into mirrors and can also transform into a seven-foot robed skeleton (which kind of looks like Skeletor from the old He-Man cartoons).

In The Mother of Tears, Mater Lachrymarum, Mother of Tears, doesn't have a human alias -- she's more of a full-time witch-goddess. Of all the Argento witches, she is the most powerful, the most bestial, and the one most likely to induce Samanthaphobia.

Mater Lachrymarum is beautiful and sexy (with extreme eye make-up, but just on one side) and also cannibalistic and cruel on a global scale. When the opening of an ancient urn triggers her embodiment in modern times, she summons witches from all over the world to converge on Rome. According to this movie, you can tell witches from regular folks by these tell-tale traits:

1. Female witches wear way too much make-up -- especially eye shadow and mascara.
2. Also, they favor big, asymmetrical hairstyles and don't use conditioner, so their hair is always frizzy.
3. Female witches dress like Stevie Nicks, back in the day.
3. Male witches are pony-tailed or bald.
4. All witches talk loud and are rude in airports.
5. Their sacred "talisman" looks suspiciously like a cut-off t-shirt stolen from a busty cocktail waitress. When she's wearing it, Mater Lachrymarum looks more like Mater Lacksabrassiere, Mother of Happy Hour.

So should we be afraid of witches? Should Samanthaphobia grip our hearts with icy talons? Nah! The Mother of Tears makes it very clear that witches really know how to party. Invite some to the house for New Year's Eve -- but to sure to stay on their good side.

Suspiria has some wild, nightmarish moments, but the plot is the most conventional of the three. Inferno is wilder and more erratic and surreal, while The Mother of Tears is very much an insane three-ring circus, with a loose plot and loads of seemingly inexplicable imagery and sexual and/or violent content.

I believe this progression is intentional. Each nightmare builds upon its predecessor. In the final movie, the fate of civilization is at stake. Thank goodness the heroine, Sarah, played by Asia Argento (Dario's daughter), has enough insight into supernatural matters to realize that if she strips off Mater Lachrymarum's skimpy "talisman" (rendering said Mater totally, lusciously nude) and tosses it into a handy nearby fire -- she'll save the world! Hurray!

In the end, when Sarah and her guy-pal emerge from the ghoulish underground witch-realm and enter the light of day, complete with sunshine and chirping birds -- they both start laughing with giddy delight. And really, isn't that how it is with nightmares? They usually have strange, seemingly arbitrary content, and when you awake -- you're pretty happy! Oh, thank goodness, it was all just a dream!

A lot of critics have ripped at The Mother of Tears for being extreme and yes, even nonsensical, but I believe they just didn't see the big picture of Argento's grand vision with his masterful trilogy. It is a project of incredible, red-hot passion, and a definite must-see for horror aficionados. It's not a perfect work... but perfection can be boring. Just look at a perfect circle. So it's got that whole 'roundness' concept down to a fine art. Big deal!

The Mother of Tears also features an evil monkey, brutish demons who pull out a woman's intestines and choke her with them, a lady who flings a sweet little baby off a bridge, and an especially graphic scene where an insane woman chops up Udo Kier's face with a big knife. And what snuffs Mater Lachrymarum in the end? She gets skewered by an OBELISK! Talk about overkill! That's like getting stabbed in the gut by the Washington Monument. Ouch! Hate when that happens!

Long story short: If your average horror movie is a hot dog, The Mother of Tears is a jumbo bratwurst loaded with onions and horse-radish, with a bottle of tequila on the side. Mamma mia! Watching the first two gives lots of extra meaning to the full-blooded finale, so overcome any personal Samanthaphobia you may be experiencing, zip down to your nearest movie rental or purchase establishment, and load up on all three bad Mothers!

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