Just A Peek Can't Hurt, Continued...
Blacks and women aren't the only ones who get treated poorly in bad horror movies. In The Killer Shrews (1959), it's painfully obvious that the title creatures are really just dogs with toothy masks. I don't know which was more abusive to the animals: making them wear the masks or appear in the movie.
The whole movie takes its loony premise ravenous giant shrews -- completely seriously. It's both sad and hilarious to watch grown men run with terror from these over-ambitious Halloween housepets, which chatter like monkeys addicted to meth. When a killer shrew starts to chew its way through a wall, the heroes simply move a couch over the hole. There -- all better! The heroes escape from the shrews by turning some metal tubs upside-down, strapping them together, and using them as a big faux turtle-shell to shield them from the ferocious fangs of the shrews as they stumble off to safety. Did the producers really think that audiences would gasp with awe and wonder at this cinematic crap-casserole?
Speaking of big fake teeth, Mama Dracula (1980) is probably the worst vampire movie of all time. Louise Fletcher looks great, but her Transylvanian accent sounds like something you'd hear on a skit from the old Laugh-In show. Her fey twin vampire sons are quite possibly the worst actors in the entire history of horror movies. The opening credits state: "Introducing the Wajnberg Brothers" -- the producers could have just as well announced: "Introducing a Couple of No-Talent Goofballs the Director Found at a Bus Station." Their only talent appears to be looking alike. Also, the romantic interest is Maria Schneider, the sexy young gal from Last Tango In Paris. How the mighty have fallen -- including the mighty-sexy.
There's one completely absurd scene which I don't understand. A little girl shows her panties to one of the vampire-twins, revealing a cross on the front. The vampire doesn't care in the slightest. But then, she turns around and shows him the Star of David on the backside of her panties, and he recoils. What the Hell is THAT all about? The whole wretched mess is almost totally unwatchable.
Jack Nicholson eventually became a fine actor, but it's hard to tell from watching The Terror (1963), an early effort (his first, I believe). He plays a nineteenth-century French officer, but that whiny nasal voice of his sounds like something you'd hear on the stage of a high-school play. His reaction shots are pretty hilarious: when looking at something especially horrifying, he squints his eyes and moves his mouth a little.
Jack doesn't act enough, but the performers in The Brain That Wouldnt Die (1962) all act way, way, WAY too much. The brain is inside the head of a pretty lady, and the head, in turn, is resting in a shallow tray of dark goop. She doesn't have any lungs, but somehow she still manages to talk with no problem at all. I will admit, the frantic melodrama makes for some fun overblown dialogue: "You're nothing but a freak of life -- and a freak of death!" The talking head always has perfect makeup -- eyeliner, sculpted eyebrows, foundation, lipstick, even fake eyelashes. Who, in that laboratory of unspeakable medical atrocities, is touching up her make-up?
There! We've looked back at some of horror's greatest stinkers and haven't turned to salt -- we didn't even raise our blood pressure. But I must caution you: I've only revealed bits and pieces of these movies to you. Who knows what might happen if you were to watch all of them in a row? You might become as I am now -- not a pillar of salt, but something far worse; a freak of life and death, with a young Jack Nicholson gaping at me as killer shrews and twin vampires chase me through a creepy old house (complete with insane imbecile) located on a Caribbean island crawling with zombies! Yes, you will become the star of Killer King of the Zombie Shrews Meets Terror of the Brain of Mama Draculas Corpse that Vanished and Wouldnt Die.
Aaaaiiiieeeeee!!!
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