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Harley Doesn’t Like What Diana Sees


by Bob Weird

Having recently committed a head-splitting act of extreme violence against a group of open-toed shoe wearing, patchouli doused hippies in Ocean Beach, California (an ocean front suburb of San Diego still living in the '60s) Deadbolt frontman Harley Davidson decided it would be a good idea to visit a local psychic, the infamous Diana Death, to see if the San Diego "heat" had any leads on his act of retribution against a group of dirty Phish fans turning circles in the street. We followed along to document this psychic adventure.

Diana Death: Please sit down and make yourself comfortable. I like your leathers...that's quite a look you've got going for yourself.

Harley Davidson: Alright...this isn't a fuckin' fashion show...let's get down to business. I'm not paying you to play fashion consultant.

Diana Death: Excuse me, Mr. Salty...didn't mean to upset your balance. Now, what can I help you with today?

Harley Davidson: I did something a couple days ago that's got me a bit concerned. I can't tell you exactly what it was...or I'd have to pull your lungs out through your throat...you catchin' my drift kemosabe??!

Diana Death: [noticeably a bit shaken] Now take it easy and give me a couple details from this incident that I can work with. Was this an act of violence...where you exuded brutal thuggery towards an individual or small group of people?

Harley Davidson: Well, let's just put it this way: five hippies, a Phish record, and a crowbar... you do the fuckin' math.

Diana Death: From what I'm hearing, I'm feeling that you got yourself in a scuffle of some sort. You were provoked, weren't you?

Harley Davidson: Well...if you consider Birkenstocks, hackey-sack and tie-dye shirts being provoked, then yeah...these fuckfaces pretty much pissed in my Cheerios that day.

Diana Death: The altercation you were involved in got pretty ugly didn't it? I'm sensing sprained ankles, broken fingers and bloody scalps...am I sensing the event correctly?

Harley Davidson: That mess was ugly before I even showed up. You got a bunch of smelly hippies kicking a bean bag around for hours on end, listening to mushroom music...that ain't a pretty sight! What I need to know is whether or not the fuzz has any interest in me right now.

Diana Death: Well, I can tell you that I'm picking up strong signs that you should probably get out of town for a bit...or at least lie low for the time being.

Harley Davidson: That's gonna be hard to do considering a tree-hugging couple moved in next door to the Deadbolt compound last week. I can smell them cookin' up those fucking garden burgers, and it's driving me nuts. The day they moved in, I could hear Widespread Panic blaring out of their garage all fuckin' day. It was all I could do not to drive the Deadbolt van right into the side of their house. Fuckin' twig and berry eaters!!

Diana Death: The feeling I'm getting is that you need to get out of town for a while and cool down. You'd do yourself a favor by not showing your face around these parts until things blow over.

Harley Davidson: We're heading out on tour early next week, so I'm gonna take myself a break and get right in the head...until we pass through Chico. There's more flower power hippie dancing bullshit in that city then I can stomach. I have a hard time keepin' shit in check when we play up that way. I want to hurt.

Diana Death: I can tell you with the utmost certainty that you'll be in danger's way on this tour if you don't watch your actions. I'd try to take the peaceful route in situations such as Chico. Watch your back, and don't let the smell of patchouli and incense enrage your inner demons.

Harley Davidson: Alright...enough of this Joyce Brothers bullshit. How much do I owe you for this nonsense?

And so went the trip to visit psychic Diana Death. Harley and Deadbolt did leave on tour the following week...the Ocean Beach incident seemed to blow over. The real problem ensued four days after leaving San Diego, as the doom-ridden Deadbolt passed through San Francisco for a show. On their way to a an afternoon of pre-show drinking at a local SF shithole, the band passed through the Haight District, and... well...the rest of this story will be documented in their upcoming release, The Haight Street Hippy Massacre on Headhunter. Stay tuned! X